New Plan or My Plan.

I can honestly say I am happy for the moment. Anxious, yes, wondering what my fortune or path will soon be, but glad to know I am out of that crappy muck of a job. I got done what I needed to paid off my car, got a little money under my belt, but now I can find a job of my liking to get me to Portland.

I figure I love videogames and have tried to apply as a manager at Gamestop before, but heck I don't need a ton of cash and I do like actually learning how to do a job my employee's will do so starting at the bottom is A okay with me. I can learn the ropes hopefully get in with good nature with the right people and get my foot in the door to manage and have an opportunity to transfer to Portland, Oregon. And even if I can not transfer at least I will be working a job here in Las Vegas that I like and will be happy in even if the money is not great. Eventually save enough money to get out of Vegas and I'm okay staying one year here as long as I am happy and not miserable.

Once up in Portland I plan to have enough money to find either a room for rent probably since my credit is so damn bad or possibly a small apartment if I am credit worthy at the time. Once I'm nice and cozy if I do not have a job immediately in place I will find work but have enough money where I have some time to locate a job. I want to find a decent job where I can save some money and attend a community college, gain residency, and eventually attend the University of Oregon and graduate with a Sports Management degree. If I can do this I will totally feel I have made a great accomplishment a life accomplishment, one that was against the odds and actually personally felt like I made it. Will this be extremely difficult? Yes. Is it possible? Yes. Can I do it? Yes!

What a day!

Just for a day, it was one of those days, so beautiful outside with clear blue skies a nice crisp 65 degrees, walking through lovely paths, golden and red leaves laden on the path, enabling for the moment and even the day to forget about my worries and just look up at the blue sky and down on the earth, and realize how beautiful this world can really be.

I have spent the last couple of months working for another resort in Las Vegas, NV called The Cosmopolitan. It is actually a nice resort very distinct and boutique luxurious, but as with any resort my luck I get the douche of douche bags as a boss. Someone who didn't know what they were doing, pretending to know everything, and definitely acted like it. I just believe life is too short to have to handle so much crap. Maybe if it was my first time around the block I could have handled it but having dealt with so much previous bullshit, I knew this would be an ever going day after day dealing with someone I didn't respect and didn't like at all. And at the end of the day I was somewhere I did not want to be anyways, so this guy rubbing me the wrong way and I doing all the work for him so he can have a department, I said in my own way to him, "GO FUCK YOURSELF" and basically let this guy swim on his own. What a douche bag always leaning on me to do everything than trying to tell me what to do at times. Hierarchy got to love it. I am not going to waste my time to really explain all what truly makes this fool such a tool, but trust me when I tell you, he was a capital HOMO!

Life is so damn short, so short, and we have no freaking idea when or what will really happen. My sister Marguerite was married recently on Sunday, November 28 at 2pm, four days after her 30th birthday to her boyfriend of four years Nathan Knee. The reason for their sudden marriage was heavily due to the fact that he was diagnosed this month with melanoma cancer which is cancer of the skin. Well, that's at least how it started, supposedly he had a giant mole grow on his back 10 years ago or so that he never got treated for. He had been coughing since mid October, he went to the doctor and thought it was just a case of being sick with bronchitis, but after not getting better he went back to the doctor and they took X-Rays of his chest. The X-Ray found 2 masses in his lungs. This prompted the doctor to send him to get a CT scan which is a detailed procedure to see what is in his lungs. The results were not good unfortunately they found several nodules or masses in his lungs and a few days later after also doing a biopsy the doctors found out that is was Melanoma Cancer, after hoping for lymphoma which the doctors thought it might be, and not hoping for Lung Cancer which was also a possibility, but the true shocker came from the news that it started as skin cancer, but has now spread to his lungs. Any day now he will do a full body PET and CAT scan to see if the cancer is anywhere else in his body. This poor, poor guy, this is so scary and so not right to happen to anyone, but really hits home when someone so close to the family is so sick with such a real life threatening disease. We always try to tell ourselves it will be just fine and most of the time it really is but when it turns out not to be when so young it appears not real or some nightmare, it is hard to imagine this is actually happening, and what about Nate its actually happening to him, I can not even imagine what he must be going through. As of now he is still coughing, and is in pain a lot of pain in his shoulder and sometimes his leg/groin area. All positive energy must go towards him and getting him better.

My sisters wedding will be a day I will never forget. She and Nate looked so great and so happy! Margi had a white creme colored dress on and Nate was real sharp with a striped 3 piece suit and tie. My mother, sister Addie, Nate's brother Ken, Nate's parents, and our friends were there to celebrate the event. It was such a harmonious day. At the end of it all, me, Marg's, Nate, and Jon my best friend, all played Smart Ass at the house it was great!

We must follow our dreams and love our families and friends, and spend as much time with them and our passions as much as we can. For the time we have on this earth is not guaranteed tomorrow so we must live every minute every second to the fullest.

The Coming....

I am tired, I am exhausted, I am happy? But how? But why? Work has been draining and brutal, but as always what seems to always break the crust of all molds a woman. I was able to meet a woman who intrigues me, a woman who is confident, nice, sweet, beautiful, and just plain awesome. She is so humble and easy to talk to and her mental aptitude is one that I can definitely relate to. Now I hardly know anything personal about this woman, I know she is a mixologist for beverages and that she takes pride and works hard and is dedicated to her craft, and that I do admire.
I do know that although work may be horrible and that I dread going in at least I have the hope to see and speak to her. Today was one of those days. I read my horrible scope as I call it and it basically told me I would be meeting my soul mate in some fashion today. Now its a Saturday and the chance I see her at work is very slim, but I felt the wave of energy telling me there is a good chance I would see her, and what do you know I did. Myself, her, and the two other mixologists ended up doing a small taste testing. Now maybe its her personality, very upfront, but I have this slight feeling at times she was flirting with me. I really don't believe it, but I feel it, so I will do all that I can and go for it. I took a photo of her and the other two mixologists sitting on the ground around a cardboard box. As we all sat there like kids back in grade school being giddy and enjoying the moment as if we had no worries or fears it was awesome.
I emailed her asking for her number to send the pic, so lets see Monday if I get it!
I am currently so tired and full I can barely concentrate on this writing but what I can say is I am really excited at the prospect of getting to know this woman. Lets hope that this is the start to something great!

Where am I going? What am I doing?

I feel my passion for the thrill to live is draining or has been drained. The more I see and realize the boundless beauties our world has to offer the further I see myself from them. The further I see my opportunities slip away as time leans on me and cuts into my hope.

I miss my family, I miss being able to believe and think I can do anything. I miss who I once thought I could be. I have grasped so hard into what I believe to be true and that even that, I have if not almost lost the care to even know weather it is or isn't. I want to believe I have this strategy, but why is it that I feel I am going into the depths of hell my own personal hell to just have an opportunity at my dream. I feel I am going through this tumultuous hell just to get out to climb up a slippery slide which may or may not be what I wish at the very end after-all. But we only live once and if it is only once the only option I have is to go for it.

I am trying oh so hard to conjure up the mental strength to go on, I have an incredible family who always believes in me and that really helps me just stay afloat. Through my life I really try to help others, be the better half, the one who always gives to others, thinks of others first, and even I would tend to believe that after all these gestures, this way of life that good fortune would have struck just a little bit more my way. Its this constant weight dragging on my good hopes and bringing them down that is really making it difficult for me to have any belief that hope will improve.

I keep striking out, I've never hit the ball over the fence, I've had dreams I could, I practiced everyday stayed positive, dreamed bigger and more than dreams thought they could expand, and after empty results time and time again the doubt, the question has slowly crept in my mind maybe it's just not possible. Maybe just maybe I will always strike out. Now I have aged looked down at my bat and it has also aged, brittle and weak, and I'm playing in the worst possible environments, but as always I have the best supporters in the world my family, sticking by me believing that I can achieve want what I want, that I can be great. The fear of looking at so many people that have came and gone looking at so many people who had the same dreams I had at one point that they could achieve their dreams and now there life is all but over, past brittle but broken, leading lives that were unfulfilled, and the sadness is permanent in their faces. The belief that I am coming closer to this as time leans heavier on me is breaking me. How could someone who always tried, always wanted the best for others, have their dreams just broken? How?

I will miserably carry on and drag my feet in sorrow, as pitiful as that sound its much sadder living it. I'll keep swinging without any hope of success, the proof is whether there is hope or not the results remain the same. I know this is no formula to success but believing and trying was no formula either. So much of my day is spent in utter misery, I hate it, the anger is grasping my bones, I am stuck in a freaking cage that I know I have to go in for so much of my day. It is so draining that the half a second I have out of it all I can think about is not wanting to go back in when I know I have to. That is misery.

What did Donald Trump all these people do in their past lives to have the luxury to live like gods. Not to say they are happy who knows if they are or aren't. But in a world driven by money, where it doesn't make you happy but sure damn does makes things a hell of a lot easier and a damn higher percentage of being happy. I've been jobless for months just recently started working in hell, but its awful when I want to go exersize in the park but I freaking cant because I cant afford the water it will take to hydrate me or afford the food it will cost to eat after I burn some calories. That's misery. Has there been worse misery lived out by others fuck yeah. Has millions of deuchebags enjoyed life and have had much easier times for happiness and success a fucking hell yes as well. So, I go from being dead broke to still being dead broke at the moment to having to work in hell, trapped in a cage, just to have a chance to not be dead broke. My life rocks. No girl, no money to eat, go out, take a girl out, or buy shoes without holes, clothes that fit, hence I am now way over weight.

How can things get better? I am like a rat in a maze looking, sniffing every crevice every second for a way out, but as I mentioned not all rats make it. Some end up trapped with the dreams of getting out physically and mentally wiped out by time eroding hope and the heart that lets one live. I will die with utter anger, utter hate for all things existing if time takes away my opportunity before I can fulfill my dreams.

I want to leave it with saying I am sorry for anyone who happens to read this, although my dreams are just about all but lost doesn't mean anyone else s' has to. Remember in America the top 2% of people make 98% of the money in this country that leaves 2% of the money for 98% of the people, so good luck trying to be a good person as part of the 98% of the people and try to get your fair share of the pie. More power to ya, for ya know it hasn't worked out for me thats for sure. It did get me into hell though. Yeaaaaahhhhh!

Well I better get some rest because its going to be a long day in hell tomorrow. Let the innocent be tortured thank you universe for treating us oh so kind. I am sure all these people who were murdered in wars or massacred by the Nazi's deserved it too. If the universe has taught me anything its don't rely on it and life for sure isn't fair. But at least being a good person I will feel good laying out on the streets starving for food watching others have great undeserved success.

I am not sure if I have ever been so angry, so saddened, so beat down from the outlook of life than I am right now. And what makes it so damn bad is I don't really see an end to these dark days.

Where is the sun?

A Woman.

I couldn't really think of what to write about, only that I wanted to write, with the clutter of life's problems piling up and choices to be made billowing like a large ball of garbage tumbling over and over in my head with it only getting bigger and bigger and more extrusive I choose to write about what soothes the mind better than any medicine or words of advice, a woman. Most recently I thought about and think about how those I know and the decisions they have made and maybe at times I have made and how when we are in love we do things, irrational things, things we see people do and think that is absolutely nuts, but when we are in the whirlwind that we call love we make and do things that appear to others as one can only think to themselves with utter despair, "What the Fuck."

It's easy to be embarrassed when you think about the moments or actions you once lead that had you being that What the Fuck individual and you think to yourself I will never place myself in a position like that ever again, but it's love good or bad that is stronger than any will and regardless of belief of manner in the end love takes over.

I am not here to say that I am in love or anywhere there near it. What I am here to say and whether it makes sense or not to me it is what soothes the soul or mind for that matter is the thought of a woman. Be it a friend or lover.

There is someone I admire for her free will and driving stubbornness are traits combined with her smile, and love of life, that motivate me. Motivate me to just be, be happy, be me, be better. Why? I have no idea why, if I did I'd bottle it up and sell it. And that's what a Woman does, soothes the soul and yet sends you down a whirling path of madness that everyone can see but yourself. The few moments I'd captured with her were short yet so memorable. I've traveled the country, I've managed hundreds if not thousands, and yet it's her impenetrable persona that I can do this attitude when even though she may not be able to its her allure that makes me look at her and think to myself she is special and it's her allure that is forever embedded into my mind that when I'm down or think I can't, I think of her and think, shit I can.

As different as two people can be, we probably are, and to say I know her I don't. I know she changed me, I know the thought of her and how different she is soothes me.

I'm getting too tired to think clearly, but I will say I want to be raw, upfront, and honest. Maybe these actions will lead me to a dark lonely corner for I will have ostracized everyone else. I'll die happy falling down that path because in the end at least you'll have a story to tell or worth telling.

Soul Devouring!

Yes, that is the title and yes, that is how I feel. At least after my most recent escapade, of going through a grueling interview process to get a pool manager job that I am more than qualified for. I've definitely came to realize that do your good will, work hard, and the universe has its path filled with signs that you are meant to run down. I thought this job would be it and maybe some slight chance it still is, but when I say it I don't mean career "it", I mean job to make some dough that I know how to do to eventually get to where I want to be, Oregon.

Its tough going through those interviews because the more I heard from what the people had to say who were interviewing me the more I disliked the idea of being there. Its not necessarily that these individuals are the devils workers sent here to do evil things to people or me. It is just that these people live, breathe, and crave the makings and doings of Las Vegas and in doing so have lost their sense of what it is to be human, modest, and humble. One statement made by them was how Las Vegas was at 14% unemployment rate and how they wouldn't hire most of them because they aren't good enough or qualified enough to work in their vision of quality. That statement touched home, my mother spent much time unemployed as am I now, so that statement felt like a knife be jabbed right into me and I have to sit there and pretend to agree with this person to get a job I wish I didn't have to do for people like that, people who just subconsciously put themselves on a higher pedestal. I want to say I can't and for the meantime I will, but unfortunately in the world we live, it will be very hard for me to pay my bills, eat food, and achieve my ultimate goal without some form of money. Gosh I must try and find another way, but I am running out of time.

The Grind

Its about to begin, back in the city that devours souls, I will interview later this afternoon to be a pool manager at The Cosmopolitan Resort in Las Vegas. My goal is in mind and I realize that this is just another hurdle in my ultimate goal of attending University of Oregon for a sports marketing/management degree. It's hard to be happy but it is exciting to know that I am just inching closer to achieving my goal and at the same time supplementing my empty bank account so I can also pay some close friends and family back and catch up on all those "Beat the Little Man Down More Bills". Thank you United States Corporations who pull the puppet strings of our politicians for creating brittle ladders with holes deeper than the ladders themselves for us "The Reason Why We Have Food and Homes Workers" just enough crumbs of the pie we made to scrape by another day while you can sell it, profit it, and eat just about all of it too. Thank You!