I am tired, I am exhausted, I am happy? But how? But why? Work has been draining and brutal, but as always what seems to always break the crust of all molds a woman. I was able to meet a woman who intrigues me, a woman who is confident, nice, sweet, beautiful, and just plain awesome. She is so humble and easy to talk to and her mental aptitude is one that I can definitely relate to. Now I hardly know anything personal about this woman, I know she is a mixologist for beverages and that she takes pride and works hard and is dedicated to her craft, and that I do admire.
I do know that although work may be horrible and that I dread going in at least I have the hope to see and speak to her. Today was one of those days. I read my horrible scope as I call it and it basically told me I would be meeting my soul mate in some fashion today. Now its a Saturday and the chance I see her at work is very slim, but I felt the wave of energy telling me there is a good chance I would see her, and what do you know I did. Myself, her, and the two other mixologists ended up doing a small taste testing. Now maybe its her personality, very upfront, but I have this slight feeling at times she was flirting with me. I really don't believe it, but I feel it, so I will do all that I can and go for it. I took a photo of her and the other two mixologists sitting on the ground around a cardboard box. As we all sat there like kids back in grade school being giddy and enjoying the moment as if we had no worries or fears it was awesome.
I emailed her asking for her number to send the pic, so lets see Monday if I get it!
I am currently so tired and full I can barely concentrate on this writing but what I can say is I am really excited at the prospect of getting to know this woman. Lets hope that this is the start to something great!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Where am I going? What am I doing?
I feel my passion for the thrill to live is draining or has been drained. The more I see and realize the boundless beauties our world has to offer the further I see myself from them. The further I see my opportunities slip away as time leans on me and cuts into my hope.
I miss my family, I miss being able to believe and think I can do anything. I miss who I once thought I could be. I have grasped so hard into what I believe to be true and that even that, I have if not almost lost the care to even know weather it is or isn't. I want to believe I have this strategy, but why is it that I feel I am going into the depths of hell my own personal hell to just have an opportunity at my dream. I feel I am going through this tumultuous hell just to get out to climb up a slippery slide which may or may not be what I wish at the very end after-all. But we only live once and if it is only once the only option I have is to go for it.
I am trying oh so hard to conjure up the mental strength to go on, I have an incredible family who always believes in me and that really helps me just stay afloat. Through my life I really try to help others, be the better half, the one who always gives to others, thinks of others first, and even I would tend to believe that after all these gestures, this way of life that good fortune would have struck just a little bit more my way. Its this constant weight dragging on my good hopes and bringing them down that is really making it difficult for me to have any belief that hope will improve.
I keep striking out, I've never hit the ball over the fence, I've had dreams I could, I practiced everyday stayed positive, dreamed bigger and more than dreams thought they could expand, and after empty results time and time again the doubt, the question has slowly crept in my mind maybe it's just not possible. Maybe just maybe I will always strike out. Now I have aged looked down at my bat and it has also aged, brittle and weak, and I'm playing in the worst possible environments, but as always I have the best supporters in the world my family, sticking by me believing that I can achieve want what I want, that I can be great. The fear of looking at so many people that have came and gone looking at so many people who had the same dreams I had at one point that they could achieve their dreams and now there life is all but over, past brittle but broken, leading lives that were unfulfilled, and the sadness is permanent in their faces. The belief that I am coming closer to this as time leans heavier on me is breaking me. How could someone who always tried, always wanted the best for others, have their dreams just broken? How?
I will miserably carry on and drag my feet in sorrow, as pitiful as that sound its much sadder living it. I'll keep swinging without any hope of success, the proof is whether there is hope or not the results remain the same. I know this is no formula to success but believing and trying was no formula either. So much of my day is spent in utter misery, I hate it, the anger is grasping my bones, I am stuck in a freaking cage that I know I have to go in for so much of my day. It is so draining that the half a second I have out of it all I can think about is not wanting to go back in when I know I have to. That is misery.
What did Donald Trump all these people do in their past lives to have the luxury to live like gods. Not to say they are happy who knows if they are or aren't. But in a world driven by money, where it doesn't make you happy but sure damn does makes things a hell of a lot easier and a damn higher percentage of being happy. I've been jobless for months just recently started working in hell, but its awful when I want to go exersize in the park but I freaking cant because I cant afford the water it will take to hydrate me or afford the food it will cost to eat after I burn some calories. That's misery. Has there been worse misery lived out by others fuck yeah. Has millions of deuchebags enjoyed life and have had much easier times for happiness and success a fucking hell yes as well. So, I go from being dead broke to still being dead broke at the moment to having to work in hell, trapped in a cage, just to have a chance to not be dead broke. My life rocks. No girl, no money to eat, go out, take a girl out, or buy shoes without holes, clothes that fit, hence I am now way over weight.
How can things get better? I am like a rat in a maze looking, sniffing every crevice every second for a way out, but as I mentioned not all rats make it. Some end up trapped with the dreams of getting out physically and mentally wiped out by time eroding hope and the heart that lets one live. I will die with utter anger, utter hate for all things existing if time takes away my opportunity before I can fulfill my dreams.
I want to leave it with saying I am sorry for anyone who happens to read this, although my dreams are just about all but lost doesn't mean anyone else s' has to. Remember in America the top 2% of people make 98% of the money in this country that leaves 2% of the money for 98% of the people, so good luck trying to be a good person as part of the 98% of the people and try to get your fair share of the pie. More power to ya, for ya know it hasn't worked out for me thats for sure. It did get me into hell though. Yeaaaaahhhhh!
Well I better get some rest because its going to be a long day in hell tomorrow. Let the innocent be tortured thank you universe for treating us oh so kind. I am sure all these people who were murdered in wars or massacred by the Nazi's deserved it too. If the universe has taught me anything its don't rely on it and life for sure isn't fair. But at least being a good person I will feel good laying out on the streets starving for food watching others have great undeserved success.
I am not sure if I have ever been so angry, so saddened, so beat down from the outlook of life than I am right now. And what makes it so damn bad is I don't really see an end to these dark days.
Where is the sun?
I miss my family, I miss being able to believe and think I can do anything. I miss who I once thought I could be. I have grasped so hard into what I believe to be true and that even that, I have if not almost lost the care to even know weather it is or isn't. I want to believe I have this strategy, but why is it that I feel I am going into the depths of hell my own personal hell to just have an opportunity at my dream. I feel I am going through this tumultuous hell just to get out to climb up a slippery slide which may or may not be what I wish at the very end after-all. But we only live once and if it is only once the only option I have is to go for it.
I am trying oh so hard to conjure up the mental strength to go on, I have an incredible family who always believes in me and that really helps me just stay afloat. Through my life I really try to help others, be the better half, the one who always gives to others, thinks of others first, and even I would tend to believe that after all these gestures, this way of life that good fortune would have struck just a little bit more my way. Its this constant weight dragging on my good hopes and bringing them down that is really making it difficult for me to have any belief that hope will improve.
I keep striking out, I've never hit the ball over the fence, I've had dreams I could, I practiced everyday stayed positive, dreamed bigger and more than dreams thought they could expand, and after empty results time and time again the doubt, the question has slowly crept in my mind maybe it's just not possible. Maybe just maybe I will always strike out. Now I have aged looked down at my bat and it has also aged, brittle and weak, and I'm playing in the worst possible environments, but as always I have the best supporters in the world my family, sticking by me believing that I can achieve want what I want, that I can be great. The fear of looking at so many people that have came and gone looking at so many people who had the same dreams I had at one point that they could achieve their dreams and now there life is all but over, past brittle but broken, leading lives that were unfulfilled, and the sadness is permanent in their faces. The belief that I am coming closer to this as time leans heavier on me is breaking me. How could someone who always tried, always wanted the best for others, have their dreams just broken? How?
I will miserably carry on and drag my feet in sorrow, as pitiful as that sound its much sadder living it. I'll keep swinging without any hope of success, the proof is whether there is hope or not the results remain the same. I know this is no formula to success but believing and trying was no formula either. So much of my day is spent in utter misery, I hate it, the anger is grasping my bones, I am stuck in a freaking cage that I know I have to go in for so much of my day. It is so draining that the half a second I have out of it all I can think about is not wanting to go back in when I know I have to. That is misery.
What did Donald Trump all these people do in their past lives to have the luxury to live like gods. Not to say they are happy who knows if they are or aren't. But in a world driven by money, where it doesn't make you happy but sure damn does makes things a hell of a lot easier and a damn higher percentage of being happy. I've been jobless for months just recently started working in hell, but its awful when I want to go exersize in the park but I freaking cant because I cant afford the water it will take to hydrate me or afford the food it will cost to eat after I burn some calories. That's misery. Has there been worse misery lived out by others fuck yeah. Has millions of deuchebags enjoyed life and have had much easier times for happiness and success a fucking hell yes as well. So, I go from being dead broke to still being dead broke at the moment to having to work in hell, trapped in a cage, just to have a chance to not be dead broke. My life rocks. No girl, no money to eat, go out, take a girl out, or buy shoes without holes, clothes that fit, hence I am now way over weight.
How can things get better? I am like a rat in a maze looking, sniffing every crevice every second for a way out, but as I mentioned not all rats make it. Some end up trapped with the dreams of getting out physically and mentally wiped out by time eroding hope and the heart that lets one live. I will die with utter anger, utter hate for all things existing if time takes away my opportunity before I can fulfill my dreams.
I want to leave it with saying I am sorry for anyone who happens to read this, although my dreams are just about all but lost doesn't mean anyone else s' has to. Remember in America the top 2% of people make 98% of the money in this country that leaves 2% of the money for 98% of the people, so good luck trying to be a good person as part of the 98% of the people and try to get your fair share of the pie. More power to ya, for ya know it hasn't worked out for me thats for sure. It did get me into hell though. Yeaaaaahhhhh!
Well I better get some rest because its going to be a long day in hell tomorrow. Let the innocent be tortured thank you universe for treating us oh so kind. I am sure all these people who were murdered in wars or massacred by the Nazi's deserved it too. If the universe has taught me anything its don't rely on it and life for sure isn't fair. But at least being a good person I will feel good laying out on the streets starving for food watching others have great undeserved success.
I am not sure if I have ever been so angry, so saddened, so beat down from the outlook of life than I am right now. And what makes it so damn bad is I don't really see an end to these dark days.
Where is the sun?
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