A Woman.

I couldn't really think of what to write about, only that I wanted to write, with the clutter of life's problems piling up and choices to be made billowing like a large ball of garbage tumbling over and over in my head with it only getting bigger and bigger and more extrusive I choose to write about what soothes the mind better than any medicine or words of advice, a woman. Most recently I thought about and think about how those I know and the decisions they have made and maybe at times I have made and how when we are in love we do things, irrational things, things we see people do and think that is absolutely nuts, but when we are in the whirlwind that we call love we make and do things that appear to others as one can only think to themselves with utter despair, "What the Fuck."

It's easy to be embarrassed when you think about the moments or actions you once lead that had you being that What the Fuck individual and you think to yourself I will never place myself in a position like that ever again, but it's love good or bad that is stronger than any will and regardless of belief of manner in the end love takes over.

I am not here to say that I am in love or anywhere there near it. What I am here to say and whether it makes sense or not to me it is what soothes the soul or mind for that matter is the thought of a woman. Be it a friend or lover.

There is someone I admire for her free will and driving stubbornness are traits combined with her smile, and love of life, that motivate me. Motivate me to just be, be happy, be me, be better. Why? I have no idea why, if I did I'd bottle it up and sell it. And that's what a Woman does, soothes the soul and yet sends you down a whirling path of madness that everyone can see but yourself. The few moments I'd captured with her were short yet so memorable. I've traveled the country, I've managed hundreds if not thousands, and yet it's her impenetrable persona that I can do this attitude when even though she may not be able to its her allure that makes me look at her and think to myself she is special and it's her allure that is forever embedded into my mind that when I'm down or think I can't, I think of her and think, shit I can.

As different as two people can be, we probably are, and to say I know her I don't. I know she changed me, I know the thought of her and how different she is soothes me.

I'm getting too tired to think clearly, but I will say I want to be raw, upfront, and honest. Maybe these actions will lead me to a dark lonely corner for I will have ostracized everyone else. I'll die happy falling down that path because in the end at least you'll have a story to tell or worth telling.

Soul Devouring!

Yes, that is the title and yes, that is how I feel. At least after my most recent escapade, of going through a grueling interview process to get a pool manager job that I am more than qualified for. I've definitely came to realize that do your good will, work hard, and the universe has its path filled with signs that you are meant to run down. I thought this job would be it and maybe some slight chance it still is, but when I say it I don't mean career "it", I mean job to make some dough that I know how to do to eventually get to where I want to be, Oregon.

Its tough going through those interviews because the more I heard from what the people had to say who were interviewing me the more I disliked the idea of being there. Its not necessarily that these individuals are the devils workers sent here to do evil things to people or me. It is just that these people live, breathe, and crave the makings and doings of Las Vegas and in doing so have lost their sense of what it is to be human, modest, and humble. One statement made by them was how Las Vegas was at 14% unemployment rate and how they wouldn't hire most of them because they aren't good enough or qualified enough to work in their vision of quality. That statement touched home, my mother spent much time unemployed as am I now, so that statement felt like a knife be jabbed right into me and I have to sit there and pretend to agree with this person to get a job I wish I didn't have to do for people like that, people who just subconsciously put themselves on a higher pedestal. I want to say I can't and for the meantime I will, but unfortunately in the world we live, it will be very hard for me to pay my bills, eat food, and achieve my ultimate goal without some form of money. Gosh I must try and find another way, but I am running out of time.

The Grind

Its about to begin, back in the city that devours souls, I will interview later this afternoon to be a pool manager at The Cosmopolitan Resort in Las Vegas. My goal is in mind and I realize that this is just another hurdle in my ultimate goal of attending University of Oregon for a sports marketing/management degree. It's hard to be happy but it is exciting to know that I am just inching closer to achieving my goal and at the same time supplementing my empty bank account so I can also pay some close friends and family back and catch up on all those "Beat the Little Man Down More Bills". Thank you United States Corporations who pull the puppet strings of our politicians for creating brittle ladders with holes deeper than the ladders themselves for us "The Reason Why We Have Food and Homes Workers" just enough crumbs of the pie we made to scrape by another day while you can sell it, profit it, and eat just about all of it too. Thank You!